Thursday, April 28, 2011

Still Incomplete As I Stand On My Feet

If you know me, you know I'm not all sunshine, puppies and butterflies.

So I must pay homage to my ghetto side: (Ghetto side you say?  I blame Coolio, Columbus, and those two Felons I dated)

I've put the same song with two different versions.  Of the two people that read this, I doubt you will listen to either.

Mary J. Blige- Someone to Love me (ft. Lil Wayne and Diddy)

Diddy- Someone to Love me (ft. Mary J. Blige)

It has finally happened.  I've spent enough time alone.  I've dealt with the crap for too long now. 

I don't like carrying 30 lbs of cat litter up three flights of steps, along with 8 rolls of paper towels and an umbrella.

Nor do I like painting an apartment with 18 foot ceilings by myself.

I don't like taking my dog out 3 times a day and for the past two weeks each and every time it's been raining.

I don't like going places I hate alone-  like the oil change place,car dealerships, or Wal-Mart.

I don't like experiencing fun things with my family and wishing I had someone to share it with.

I don't like when my dog seriously creeps me out by randomly growling at "something" in the hall way.

I don't like being alone and afraid at night.  (Little ghost girl has forever ruined me)

I just don't like it anymore.  It's old now. 

I've proven I can do it.  Now I'm done with it. 

The problem is not even all of these little reasons above combined to create some overwhelming sense of loneliness.  It's the fact that I'm seriously..beginning to hate pretty much- EVERYTHING else in life too.


I fear I'm becoming a bitter person intent on a self prophesizing goal of - DOOM.


I'm starting to hate things that I shouldn't hate.  Like-  getting up in the morning.Or- Brushing my hair. And- cleaning my house.

I want to make dinner for someone who will eat with me more than once in a blue moon.

I want to go see a movie with a man who will hold my damn hand.

I want to be looked at like I'm truly special.

I want someone to be there for me when I think my sister might be dead.

I want someone to love me enough to scoop the cat litter.

Damn it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Never Look Back

I upgraded to a better music player.  Sounds better, works better, and is not in anyway affiliated with crapspace.

One of my favorite Radiohead songs:  I Might Be Wrong

This song mellows me out and reminds me of myself and where I've been.  I recall a time when I used to have nothing to do but ride around in a car in the sunshine all day.  Why can't life be that easy now? 

Now, I don't even have a car.  I have a nice rental, and I'll bother the crap out of the necessary banking people to get a new better one (trust me) and that will fix that, but honestly...Where did the "good times" go?  Getting a job, graduating college, entering into the real world sucks. Turns out, once you are here, you are stuck. 

I have a clear memory of riding on the bus with my best friend and we put our future on this precise timeline.  Go to college, get married, have babies and the like.  I've realized now, that my time line cut off at the age of 25.  I guess I figured by that age I should have my sh*t together.

At this point, I have let 10-year-old Me down substantially. 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Don't Underestimate the Things That I will Do

This song makes my head bob and I love it. Makes me wish beyond all other wishes I had some sort of musical talent.

This song pretty much sums up the past 4 years.  No one I know really wants to hear this story, but it's something I need to share.
I believe in a lot of things, and even the crap I've been put through, I openly choose to still believe in these things.
One belief is - love is the most powerful thing a person could feel.  Unfortunately, pain runs right along side of it.  When you combine the two, the feeling of heartbreak can crush a person.
As an adult, most of us are lucky enough to have found love at least once or twice, and typically we've also felt the heartbreak of losing that love.
I've been standing on the border of lost love for over a year now.  I fell so hard long ago for this one person, that my mind wouldn't allow my heart to let it go fully.  I never wanted to let myself feel the pain, so I kept one foot in,  and allowed only a toe in the pool of despair.
I realize this was a bad move.  Sometimes, you just have to let it all go, (please refer to post below).
I learned something about myself long ago, something I truly hate, but fear I may never change. 
It takes me about 3 times to learn a solid life lesson. 
I blame it on Disney mostly, but I have this overwhelming belief in love and I call it "hope." 
I fell in love with a person because of the hope I felt. (Ridiculous reason if you ask me)
I gave my all to him and he trampled me to the pits of doom. He used my good qualities to get his way, and forcefully took them from me when I tried hard to keep them to myself.
Third time is a charm.  My heart no longer feels the love I once felt, and frankly my mind is beyond fed up, not only with him, but myself.
Fire burns deep down in my soul, and it has ignited my strength. 
Luckily, another thing I believe in, is karma.  Yes, I believe we could have had it all- if he would have changed his ways long ago, but now- now, he will get it all.
All I can say, is watch out, and don't underestimate the things that I will do to ensure we both get what we deserve.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Whispered words of wisdom

Because this is my very first attempt at a blog, I thought I should explain what I'm going for.

First let me begin with the title.  Let it Be.  These three words have become my personal motto, I tell them to myself repeatedly, but perhaps if I could actually learn/re-learn/remember how to let some things be, I wouldn't be in this position.  (I'm referring to:  the position that has compelled me to blog in the first place.)

My goal here isn't to be completely cryptic as the little paragraph above seems. Actually, I want to play you a song (yes, you will have to click play, and yes, a myspace player will pop-up) and then, I want to share a story with you.  I've tried a journal, it didn't work, I've tried listening to music, it didn't work.  I thought I'd combine the two, and maybe get some feedback.  How long will I keep this up?  Probably until my sister says:  "Kris this is dumb, stop it."


Now, on to today's story of the song "Let it Be"- by the Beatles of course. 

Once upon a time, I found myself in a bad position. One, where my only thought was "I want my mom."  Needless to say, I was somewhere around the age of 18.  She came to me, she sat with me, I looked at her, the pain I felt was inching it's way to consume me whole, and my mom just said the following, "It's going to be ok honey, just let it go."  I know my mom is always right, but very rarely do I listen.  I did that time.  I decided to move forward with my life, because in just a few simple words the following truth comes out:  no amount of heartache, struggle, or pain will ever undo what's been done.  All you can do, is let it be, and find happiness again.
From there, I let myself let my cares go, I found what I believed to be "me" and for the first time, I loved myself.

Now, it's a decade later, another series of unfortunate events have taken place, and I've lost myself again, I've allowed myself to be renamed "Victim" and, for the love of all thats holy, I'm sick of it.  I'm on a mission, but first, I need to get a few things off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

Please note:  The myspace player is a liar, "awef" is NOT the artist. I'm sure it has something to do with copyrights of some sort.  Also, I'm using the lame myspace player, because it's the smallest thing I could find, and I wanted to take up only a little amount of space. Know why?  Because, this is my space.